Gratitude

What is gratitude? Merriam Webster describes is as “the state of being grateful: thankfulness,” and describes grateful as being “appreciative of benefits received.” Beyond its definition, though, what does it mean to be grateful? Is saying “please” and “thank you” all there is to it? Can you show someone you are grateful by a meaningful look or a reciprocal action? I think sometimes, if you’ll excuse the cliché, that your actions do indeed speak louder than your words and that often a gesture can show more deeply your appreciation than any words could. On the same token, one’s lack of words or action can mean just as much.

In Oklahoma, politeness is important. In the Bible Belt in general, it seems to get engrained into us from a very young age to always try to be nice and to ALWAYS say “please” and “thank you.” Or maybe it is something that stems from a European ancestry and lineage or from American middle-class norms. At any rate, that cultural norm is not one that holds here. Cashiers in the grocery store give me funny looks when I say thank you (“enkosi” in Xhosa) after receiving my change and car guards just shrug and walk off. There is not an equivalent of “You’re welcome” in Xhosa. People just say “okay” or “sharp” or don’t say anything at all. And that is really hard for me. I’m so used to this constant exchange of courtesy that I feel a little let down when people don’t respond to my thanks and really frustrated when people don’t give thanks. People come to the clinic with open hands and closed mouths and it feels like we are forever giving, giving, giving of ourselves and rarely receiving even a mention of gratitude in return. It is difficult for me to feel so drained after work some days knowing that a few “thank you’s” or a simple smile would have made me feel fine. But this is my culture talking here. I think that because this is something that I’ve just been doing for so long on an unconscious level, it is really easy for me to get upset about it when other people don’t do it. When people walk in and say, “Give me my such-and-such,” it is easy for me to peg people as being ungrateful and demanding, which may or may not actually be the case. Maybe what comes off to me as someone being rude is actually their attempt to be very clearly understood. 

Or maybe the issue here is something else entirely. Maybe it has less do with politeness and more to do with recognition. Am I allowed to seek recognition for my actions as a missionary? Undoubtedly, the nature of the work I’m doing is supposed to be humble and unrecognized. It is supposed to be for others, not for me. But when I’m feeling walked-on and run-down, it’s sometimes hard to find the right motivation to keep doing it. How do I balance the desire to do good work and the fundamental human need to be recognized and appreciated?

Uxolo,

Karen